The Untold Story of a Modern Day Miracle

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Since 2014, the issue of diversity in publishing has garnered a lot of attention and raised the question: which stories deserve to be told? Many statistics highlight that stories written by and featuring people of color, as well as those from marginalized communities, are published less often, less reviewed, and given less exposure. One true-life story that’s often overlooked happened in Kibeho, Rwanda.

Most adults know about the Rwandan genocide in 1994 or even saw the critically acclaimed movie, “Hotel Rwanda.” In the span of 100 days, more than a million Rwandans were murdered by their neighbors while the world looked on. However, most people don’t know about the apparitions of the Virgin Mary to many people beginning in 1981 in the small village in that country, Kibeho, that transformed lives and foretold the genocide. The narrative told during the genocide had the power to preserve life or cause death.

On November 28, 1981, sixteen-year-old Alphonsine Mumureke had finished a pop quiz in geometry at Kibeho High School and was walking down the hall when she began to feel odd. She lost all sense of time and space and saw a vision of a beautiful woman emerging from a cloud, bathed in shimmering light. The woman introduced herself as “the Mother of the Word,” said she wanted Alphonsine and her friends to have more faith, and wanted to be loved and trusted to lead souls to Jesus. After the vision, the majority of the people at school did not believe Alphonsine had seen Mary. However, Mary gradually appeared to three other students, then many more. Soon people became convinced the Mother of God truly was visiting the girls.

Thousands of people flocked to watch the visionaries have apparitions of Our Lady, and faith and goodwill spread throughout Kibeho and the neighboring villages. Expecting something wonderful to occur, over 20,000 people turned out on August 15, 1982 – the feast day of the Assumption of the Virgin Mary. However, during Alphonsine’s vision, Mary’s message was unexpectedly dire. Alphonsine became very upset and later revealed that she was shown horrific images of destruction; rivers of blood; and hundreds of thousands of dead, dismembered, and decapitated bodies. The two other visionaries subsequently were shown the same horrifying images.

Mary urged the visionaries to warn the people that Rwanda was on the road to destruction if everyone did not cleanse their hearts of hatred. She told them that a small seed of anger can grow into a tree of hatred. During Mary’s apparitions to Marie-Claire, she assigned the young visionary a mission to reintroduce the Seven Sorrows Rosary, which had been instituted in the Middle Ages but fell out of use, and recalls the sorrows Jesus and Mary faced during their lives.

After the visions, two separate investigation commissions were established by the local ordinary: a medical commission on March 20th, 1982 to find out if the visionaries had any medical or mental health conditions; and a theological commission on May 14th, 1982 to evaluate if the messages given to the visionaries were theologically sound. In 1985, the theological commission carried out an investigation to collect the reactions to the events and found a great spiritual renewal, conversions, and an increase of vocations to the priesthood or religious life. On August 15, 1988, the local Bishop decided to approve a public devotion linked to the apparitions of Kibeho. Marie-Claire’s last vision was on September 15th, 1982; Nathalie’s last vision was  December 3rd, 1983, and Alphonsine’s visions lasted for exactly eight years, ending on November 28th, 1989. Though the visions ended, with such renewed faith emanating out of Kibeho and spreading through Rwanda, many had no reason to believe Mary’s prophecy would happen.

However, on April 6, 1994, Rwanda’s Hutu President Juvénal Habyarimana was assassinated. At the time, there were three ethnic groups: Hutu (who made up roughly 85% of the population), the Tutsi (14%) and the Twa (1%). The elite class “Tutsis” had been manufactured under German and Belgian colonial rule during the late 19th to the mid-20th centuries – a tactic widely used during colonization – and the Belgians used the Tutsi minority to enforce their rule over Hutu. There were decades of conflict between the ethnic groups, and after the president’s assassination, the Rwandan Armed Forces and civilian militias known as interahamwe began killing the Tutsis and moderate Hutus.

The privately-owned radio station, Radio Television Libre des Milles Collines, known as  “Hate Radio” in Rwanda, became a weapon, and its broadcasts inflamed tensions by telling a false political narrative to motivate Hutus to continue killing their neighbors. They stoked flames by reminding Hutus of the injustices committed against them since colonial rule, and stated that if they did not fight back, they would become slaves to the Tutsis. Following the instruction of the radio station, many Hutus killed hundreds of thousands of people. Sadly, the Virgin Mary’s prophecies came true.

After the genocide, and with renewed interest in the Marian prophecies, the investigation into the validity of the Kibeho visionaries continued. On June 29, 2001, Mons. Augustine Misago, Bishop of Gikongoro, read the Holy See’s final judgment, which concluded the Virgin Mary did indeed appear in Kibeho, and only considered the testimonies of the three initial visionaries – Alphonsine, Nathalie, and Marie Claire – as authentic. Three days later, Pope John Paul II and the Vatican added Kibeho to the list of Marian approved apparition sites, making it the 15th approved apparition site since the 16th century.

Today, an estimated 500,000 pilgrims journey to Kibeho every year to visit the Shrine of Our Lady of Kibeho, which houses a sixteen-foot tall Divine Mercy statue. However, the Marian apparition is not widely known outside of the African continent, nor given the amount of recognition or devotion it deserves. Mary repeatedly told the visionaries that her message of renewed faith, love, repentance, and forgiveness was not just for Kibeho, or Rwanda, or Africa – it was for the whole world. In such tense and divisive times, it’s important to spread and heed this message. The true-life story of the apparitions of the Virgin Mary in Kibeho is a story that deserves to be told.

Sources:

Ilibagiza, Immaculee. Our Lady of Kibeho. Hay House, Inc., 2008.

Lyon, Meghan. “Radio in the Rwandan Genocide.” The Devil’s Tale, 1 May 2017, blogs.library.duke.edu/rubenstein/2013/05/10/radio-in-the-rwandan-genocide/.

When You Don’t Belong

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Photo Courtesy of National Park Service

When I studied Comparative Religious Studies in college, I had one class where we’d have to write personal reflections on various religious topics, and I always got a B on my reflections. Apparently, I wasn’t digging deep enough or reflecting correctly (insert rolling eyes emoji). However, I finally received an A on one assignment. I reflected on a fictional short story we’d read about the millions of Africans who’d died on the transatlantic slave voyage transporting people from Africa to the Americas. The story imagined what happened to their spirits which remained forever in the ocean, stuck between their birth country and enslavement; and without proper burial, stuck between life and death. I wrote about how I often felt stuck between different worlds, too. Though that was over a decade ago, that feeling grows more and more each day over the past couple of years.

I was a child of divorced parents – an immigrant South African mother, whose family was politically exiled to the UK before she came to the US, and African-American father. I attended a predominantly white Catholic school from kindergarten through high school. And while I always had friends I considered dear, I always felt like I didn’t quite fit in. Skin color, hair texture, and body shape made me physically different from people who weren’t black. And growing up with a Catholic mother who spoke with a foreign accent, primarily watched BBC, and sipped tea instead of cooking soul food, made me feel culturally different from the black community. It took me years to get to where I am now: a mix of my heritage and culture, community, and history. I attend mass and regularly watch Pastor Michael Todd of Transformation Church’s Youtube sermons. I pray the rosary and listen to gospel music. I take interest in both African and African-American issues. I’m confident in who I am, and appreciate my diversity.

So, while being different and never quite fitting in isn’t new, I hadn’t expected to again encounter it as a writer. Though my first novel, Blaming the Wind, alternated between four characters: two male and two female, I learned about different genres and queried it as women’s fiction. Since two of the perspectives were male, and men enjoyed the book, I didn’t think it was the “typical” women’s fiction novel, but every book needs to fit somewhere, and my publisher and I were fine with it in that category. I was a “women’s fiction author,” so I joined an association and tried to fit in a community and belong. I made great connections and learned a lot.

My second novel, Everything She Lost, tells the stories of two women and has a lot of psychological suspense. I didn’t doubt it was women’s fiction with suspense, and I submitted it to the association for marketing purposes. So, when I received an email that said my book did not meet their criteria for women’s fiction because it sounded more like psychological suspense/thriller, and therefore I was not able to reap the benefits of the association, I was floored. Not only because I’d spent four years paying membership dues and building community, but also because, once again, I didn’t fit it.

As an expert in being the other, I moved on. Though still connected with women fiction authors, I’ve also found a new community of mystery, suspense, and thriller writers of color that I still don’t quite fit in with, but that I enjoy and have learned a a great deal about the genre. But writing aside, my sense of being stuck in between different worlds grows every day.

As a devout Catholic, I’m stuck in another raging battle. While more traditional Catholics pray for the downfall of the pope because of the more inviting and accepting direction he’s trying to take the church, I agree with the pope in that respect. But I’m still very disgusted by the horrible and inexcusable child abuse scandal and cover-up. As an African-American, I don’t face the very real threat of deportation like many immigrants who call the US home, but I have to endure a president that called my mother’s country a “shithole” and uses his voice to push debunked conspiracy theories about the plight of white farmers over the real issues faced by many African countries still reeling from the effects of colonization, unjust debt, and prejudice. And at home, I’m stuck between a middle class existence where my kids can attend a good desegregated public school as a result of the civil rights movement, yet I worry every day that the next black male killed for no reason other than the color of his skin could be one of my sons.

When stuck in between two places, it’s a fight to stay afloat and find a sense of belonging. But as a descendant of people who survived the middle passage to America, I dare not sink. The thing about being in between is you see both sides – whether you agree with them or not. So in life, as well as my writing, I will continue to build bridges by giving voice to those without one and exploring topics that often aren’t discussed. Building bridges means choosing not to argue with people on social media who have differing opinions, but instead praying for them. It means not being a registered Republican or Democrat, but still voting in every election for people and ideas that I support. If never fitting in means I don’t have the privilege to stand comfortably on the sidelines, than that’s a position I’m glad to have.

As I write this on the anniversary of the horrific September 11 attacks, I recall how most Americans came together as one nation to stand firmly and declare that no terrorist could destroy all that our democratic nation stands for. My prayer is that our country is able to heal its divisions and finally become a country where all people feel that they belong.

When Characters Are Sinners

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Photo by theilr

A really nice priest emailed me after reading my last post, When Prayers Are Answered, Sort Of, and ended the email by wishing me luck and saying he bought my novel, Blaming the Wind. I’m grateful to everyone who supports my writing, but I also wish my books had some sort of warning like: May Not Be Suitable for Priests (NSFP). I’m only half-kidding, because while I am Christian, my books definitely have Rated R content, and I’m mindful that some people may find it offensive.

Of course an option is certainly to only write Christian fiction, but I’ve felt called to write about people who would be considered sinners, and I don’t shy away from exploring “bad” behavior. And though it’s often not talked about, the holiest of books – the Bible – is full of messed up and sinful people. Whether it’s Cain killing his brother Abel, or Joseph’s brothers selling him into slavery, or the daughters of Lot getting their father drunk so he could impregnate them, or David getting Bathsheba pregnant then ordering her husband to be killed in war, or Saul persecuting Christians, or on and on, the Bible depicts the full gamut of human nature. But to me, it’s not the fact that Bible portrays bad behavior that’s important. What’s more important is the long history of how God endlessly calls sinners back to Him, His never ending mercy, the importance of repentance, and the hope of redemption.

Before I wrote my first novel, I had grown fed up with the contemporary stories I read: women who had perfect lives that were suddenly faced with a trial of some sort but ultimately made the virtuous decision and lived happily ever after. I couldn’t identify with these perfect people, and I wasn’t the only one. There’s a large population of people who don’t fit inside the middle-class, white, heterosexual, Christian, able-bodied box with a storybook perfect life. So, when I started writing, I focused on characters that also haven’t always had it easy, and often don’t make the right decisions, and unfortunately face discrimination, and have experienced the toll that disability can take.

In my second novel, Everything She Lost, neither of my female protagonists grew up in easy circumstances and as adults both continue to struggle with the hand they’ve been dealt in life. Toward the end of the story, Deja has a conversation with her estranged mother, Kim, who says, “It’s not easy being a single mom. I know firsthand, and we both know I’ve made decisions I regret. My choices made it so you didn’t have it easy most of your life. Sometimes, we have to choose between hard and harder. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human.”

I write stories filled with people who are far from saints and make the wrong decisions. I write to give a voice to imperfect, underrepresented people. I write to remind people no matter how far someone falls, there’s always the possibility of getting back up and becoming the hero of the story. So while my novels might not be suitable for all people (or priests), I will continue writing them.

 

When Prayers Are Answered, Sort Of

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I have to admit, whenever people say they’re “blessed and highly favored,” I’m a bit jealous. I don’t say that to detract from all the blessings I’ve received or to sound ungrateful. But sometimes I feel like I’m carrying my proverbial cross more than I’m standing at the mountain top. Recently, my experience with a Book Bub ad for my second novel, Everything She Lost, caused me to reflect on my personal experience with prayer and blessings and led me to a new understanding of both.

To give some context, I first learned about the almighty Book Bub ad in 2015. For those unfamiliar with it, Book Bub is a free newsletter service that gives daily emails highlighting free and bargain books that boasts millions of subscribers. When authors are lucky enough to be approved for an ad, one reduces their book to $0.99 or more for the week then waits for the magic to happen. Shortly after I signed a contract for my debut novel, Blaming the Wind, with Red Adept Publishing, one of my fellow authors had an amazing Book Bub run that resulted in her hitting the New York Times and USA Today bestseller list. After seeing that happen, I started believing and praying that I too could have that success in the future.

After Blaming the Wind was published, I prayed and prayed that I would be accepted for a Book Bub ad. But it didn’t happen. Although Book Bub’s criteria for acceptance is somewhat mysterious, it’s believed that having a lot of great reviews definitely increases your chances, and I had struggled to garner reviews early on. So when my second book came out in January two years later, I worked really hard to get a ton of reviews, and lo and behold, I received an email from my publisher in March that I had a Book Bub ad scheduled for the 28th.

To say I was elated is an understatement. I had literally been praying for this ad and the bestseller list for three years, especially asking for the intercession of St. Jude – known as the patron saint of hopeless causes – because I knew my chances were slim. Lots of people have Book Bub ads, but few become bestsellers. Now that I had an ad scheduled, I kicked my prayers into overdrive. I just felt that this was it – my ad would run and I would become a USA Today Bestseller. (After culling their list, New York Times had become almost impossible to hit, so that was off my wish list).

Over the previous years, I had paid attention to my fellow authors’ experiences with what did and did not work when they had Book Bub runs – how to stack ads, which ads worked, using social media – so when the week of my ad arrived, I knew I had it in the bag. It started out well, and as my Amazon rank climbed every day, my expectations grew too. The morning of the big day, my rank was already high and where I thought it needed to be.

My enthusiasm, however, started to wane. Sales seemed to slow, and the later the day grew, the more I started to worry. I’d wanted to have a bestselling week for so long, I didn’t want to give up hope. So I kicked my prayers into overtime, praying the rosary, the emergency novena to the Blessed Virgin Mary, for St. Jude’s intercession, the Unfailing Prayer to St. Anthony, and “reminded” God that Jesus had said, “ask and you shall receive.” (When it’s convenient I leave out the part that says “according to His will.”) I was definitely asking, and I threw in some bargaining, too. If I could just sell enough books to make the USA Today bestsellers list, I’d let everyone know about how God had answered my prayers.

Now, I wouldn’t be the first or last person to try and bargain with God. Decades ago, Danny Thomas was struggling to make a name for himself in show business. After being told a personal account of St. Jude’s miraculous intercession, Danny began praying for the saint’s intercession, promising that he would do something big if he could be successful professionally. Over the years, his star rose, and he landed the role of a lifetime in 1953, starring in the long-running television comedy series “Make Room for Daddy.” Not forgetting his promise, Danny opened the world-famous St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee on February 4, 1962, with the unveiling of the statue of St. Jude Thaddeus. Talk about a bargain that paid off.

As night fell on the day of my Book Bub ad, I peaked at 42 on Amazon’s bestsellers rank, and realized in spite of all my planning, praying, and bargaining, I hadn’t sold enough books to hit USA Today’s list. To say I was disappointed is an understatement. I had wanted it so bad for so long, yet it had slipped out of my grasp.

After days of feeling let down, I watched a YouTube video of a sermon by Charles Metcalf of Transformation Church, called “Fixed Faith.” I love watching Transformation Church’s Lead Pastor, Michael Todd’s, messages. And though I hadn’t watched Pastor Metcalf before, I needed a good word, and I received one. In Metcalf’s sermon, he references the book of Daniel, when King Nebduchanezzer commanded everyone to bow down and worship his golden statue. If anyone refused, King Nebduchanezzer threatened they would be thrown into the burning furnace. Three Hebrew men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, only worshiped God and refused the king’s command. When they were brought to account for their disobedience, King Nebduchanezzer demanded the men comply or face death in the furnace. The three men answered,If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (Daniel 3:17-18 NIV). After their refusal, the three men were thrown into the fiery furnace, yet an angel descended into the furnace and protected them so they were not harmed. Astonished by this, King Nebduchanezzer praises God.

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In the video, Metcalf uses this bible story as an example that when people fix their faith on God, they don’t doubt God’s power and know He has a plan for their lives regardless of current circumstances. It reminded me that although I’ll meet challenges, I need to stand firm in my faith. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego knew God could save them, and even if He didn’t, they still believed.

So, even though I didn’t hit a bestsellers list, I decided I’d still write a post about my Book Bub experience, St. Jude, and God’s benevolence, because I’m thankful for them. My prayers were answered because, a) I got approved for a Book Bub ad, and b) my Book Bub run was successful. I sold over 3000 books, and people have been recommending Everything She Lost ever since. That’s why I became a writer in the first place – to have people read my stories.

More importantly, even though some prayers don’t seem to be answered, I have to remember that God’s ways are higher than my own. Most certainly I remember the times I’ve been thrown in the fire and rescued. Like when my life fell apart, yet God miraculously put it back together; and when my son was in the hospital recently facing worse case scenarios, yet it ended up being something very treatable. I’m happy for my experience, because it reminded me that ultimately, even though I don’t always feel blessed, my faith tells me I am.

Cover Reveal: Everything She Lost

Everything She Lost

I absolutely adore the cover for my second book, Everything She Lost!

Here’s the description:

After suffering a mental breakdown that nearly destroyed her marriage, Nina Taylor works hard to maintain her tenuous hold on sanity and be a good mother to her two young daughters. Despite her best efforts, she questions the possibility of a full recovery.

Single mom Deja Johnson struggles to overcome her troubled past and raise her young son. But her friendship with Nina brings more complications. What Deja is hiding could not only destroy relationships, but endanger lives.

One traumatic night threatens to shatter Nina’s mind. With Deja’s help, she strives to maintain her mental balance. But as events spiral out of control, the women must find out if Nina is losing her sanity or if someone is plotting against her.

Coming soon!

I Survived the Summer and Other News

With the release of my debut novel, Blaming the Wind, a new day-job (that didn’t last), and my eldest starting high school in the fall, 2016 was a blur. So far, 2017 has been just as busy. As a mom of four, I’ve accepted that I’m perpetually busy. But this summer was a doozy. Between summer camp, summer school, vacation bible school, and my oldest son’s first summer job, I was running around like a madman.

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So while I’ve barely had time to enjoy summer – my favorite season – I did accomplish one huge thing that I’m very proud of: I completed four grueling months of editing my second novel! I worked with the same Red Adept Publishing editor, Alyssa Hall. I’m so excited about all the ways we made the story even better, and I can’t wait to share it with readers.

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With the kids back in school and life resuming a normal pace, I’ve dusted the cobwebs off my computer and am back to work on my next novel. The great thing about writing is that it’s like that best friend who will always take your call and pick up where you left off regardless of how long it’s been since you talked. 

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Before I get too far ahead of myself, back to the novel I just completed. The “official” book description and cover reveal are forthcoming, so make sure you are signed up for my email newsletter to receive all the excitement to come.

Best,

Alessandra Harris

Reviews! Reviews! Reviews!

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I had a very proud mom moment the other day when my fourteen-year-old left a positive review for a book he had read and enjoyed.  If you aren’t a writer, you probably don’t think much about leaving a review after you’ve read a book.  However, reviews are so important for authors.  Leaving a review on Amazon, Goodreads (or even better, both!) can help an author in a few ways:

  • Reviews encourage others to want to buy and read the book
  • Reviews help authors get into promotional offers like BookBub
  • Reviews make authors happy (especially the good ones)

So next time you complete a book, please think about leaving a review.  The author will appreciate it.

Nurturing Your Passion While Working Full Time

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Many people ask me where I find time to write with a full time job, four kids, and a husband.  The truth is I don’t find extra time; I carefully carve it out of my busy day to spend on my passion.  For those of us who aren’t making a living doing what we love (yet), it’s even more important to recharge our batteries by participating in activities that fulfill us on a deeper level.  But how do we do that?  Below are strategies to get started.

Start Small
I’d love a two to four hour block of uninterrupted writing. I can imagine it now: soothing classical music in the background, a steaming cup of tea next to the laptop, and my fingers furiously pounding the keyboard. But, I can’t even remember the last time I’ve been lucky enough to actually have that much uninterrupted time. What I know instead is that small increments of time can add up over the long run. Aim for thirty minutes every weekday and allow wiggle room over the weekend. It’s surprising how setting a minimum of thirty minutes can turn into an hour or longer.

Schedule It In

But where do you come up with thirty minutes? Sure, we’re all busy. But when we closely examine our daily schedule, we might realize that often we’re wasting time. Ask yourself, how much time do you spend:

  • watching television or Netflix
  • surfing the web
  • or mindlessly scrolling through Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook

While there’s nothing “wrong” with the above activities, they do have a way of sucking time out of our day. And if we’re trying to find thirty minutes to spend on our projects, then we have to be cognizant of every minute that is spent. So think of a thirty-minute block of time when you’re not doing terribly important things, then schedule your activity, and stick to it.

Make It A Habit 

Though most research today says it’s a myth that it only takes 21 days to form a habit, its widely accepted that regularly repeating behavior makes that behavior easier, more natural, and more enjoyable. For me, when it comes to writing and exercising, sticking to a schedule is so important. I believe we have a creativity muscle that needs to be strengthened and conditioned just like our physical muscles. So if you’ve scheduled the time into your day and show up regularly, it will become second nature.

The Right Place

A last bit of information pertains to workspace. Depending on what you are doing, whether it’s writing, or painting, or working out, there might be an ideal location. For me, writing at a library is ideal. However, like I said earlier, I can’t remember the last time I’ve had free time to venture to the library and write uninterrupted. Instead of throwing my hands in the air and giving up, I make do with what I have. That means I’m often writing on my laptop while sitting on the couch, with the kids in the background.   Perfect? No. But I’ve written three books like that and am in the process of writing my fourth. Same applies to exercise. When I can’t make it to the gym, I throw in an exercise DVD and sweat it out at home. The point is that in order to be consistent, you must adapt to what works best for your particular situation.

My goal for 2016 is to incorporate daily meditation into my routine. What are you trying to accomplish?

Trouvaille

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I recently discovered the word trouvaille, which means, “something lovely discovered by chance; a windfall.”  There’s something beautiful about the word, and I love its meaning.  So often, every detail of our lives is planned.  What time we get up, when we go to work, what we’ll have for dinner, and so on.  But sometimes, somehow, something lovely happens in the midst of routine, and it reminds us that there is so much more to life than what we could have planned.

One such lovely, chance discovery happened over a decade ago.  On a random Wednesday night I ventured for a drink with a friend to a place I’d never been before and wound up meeting the person who would become my husband.  We were old school back then. No online profiles.  No swiping to the right.  Just two people’s paths crossing by chance.

On a similar note, in my other blog post, “How Taco Bell Got Me A Book Deal,” I wrote about how a chance encounter with a Taco Bell mild sauce packet (of all things) encouraged me to persevere in seeking publication for my first novel, which follows two married couples and explores how the choices they make forever change their lives.  And while I was happy to sign with Red Adept Publishing back in April, I didn’t know exactly what to expect.  Now, after completing the first round of edits, I know that signing with them was the absolute best decision for my writing career.  Guided by the editor’s great suggestions, the novel has already improved in ways I couldn’t have even imagined.  
I’m excited to continue the process and can’t wait to share the finished product with everyone when that times come.  Who knows, maybe someone will discover the novel by chance and believe they are luckier for having found it.

Real-ish

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I recently watched a rerun of the sitcom Black-ish’s February 11, 2015 episode, “Big Night, Big Fight.”  In the episode, the  married couple, Dre and Rainbow, go out to dinner for Valentine’s Day and bring all their baggage with them.  For almost the entire time, the couple rehashes each other’s past wrongdoings, and at the end, I couldn’t help but feel relieved it was over.  It was too real.

After, I reflected on the episode and why it hit a nerve.  Anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows what it’s like to be hurt or offended by a partner’s actions.  But the question becomes, how long do we hold on to that?

At one point in the TV episode, something that occurred six years ago is brought up.  And I’m thinking, six years!  But then I had to be honest to myself and admit that I too have been guilty of bringing up events that have occurred over a decade ago.

Research shows that letting go of grudges and moving forward serves a biological function.  Christopher Bergland’s April 11, 2015 post, “Holding a Grudge Produces Cortisol and Diminishes Oxytocin,” explains how being angry produces the stress hormone, cortisol, while letting go of anger and making amends produces the “love” hormone, oxytocin.  So, not only does forgiving make you healthier, but it can increase the bond between two people.

And while these findings easily make sense, the hard part is often forgiving. Forgiveness is both a decision and a process. When deciding whether to forgive it helps to ponder:

  • How will I benefit if I forgive?
  • How will the relationship benefit if I forgive?
  • When have I needed to be forgiven?
  • How did I feel when I was forgiven?

So, while we decide to forgive, it’s often a start and stop process accompanied by feelings of hurt and anger.  Allowing oneself to feel whatever feelings that arise, while still deciding to move forward can be tough, but in the end, I believe it’s preferable to ruining a future Valentine’s Day over something that happened years ago.